A big part of why I struggle to be open about my kinks with sexual and romantic partners is the stigma that exists about fetishists. On one hand, we’re exoticized and looked at with amusement in a way that resembles how sideshow freaks were looked at in the 19th century. Even though we’re looked at as anomalous, some people are curious about taking a walk on the wild side with us, while others are just disgusted and afraid of us. However, aside from the stigma I try to avoid with my vanilla partners, I also struggle to be open about my fetish with them because I feel that telling them that I am into bondage might take away from any “real” bondage situations that we might encounter. For example, if I’d make it clear to my boyfriend just how much I like to be tied up, my irrational fear is that some day I would be accosted by a burglar and left bound and gagged for him to find me when he comes home from work, and my boyfriend would know that I’d possibly be turned on by the situation regardless of how real the danger was. Maybe instead of being immediately alarmed by the sight of me all tied up, he would think that I probably just had a bondage buddy over that I didn’t tell him about or that I had managed to tie myself up and couldn’t get loose. Then after he found out what actually happened, his knowledge of my fetish and initial assumption would still be there in the sense that he didn’t initially react to my distress the way that he would have if he didn’t know about my fetish. So, apart from my boyfriend not taking the danger I was subjected to as seriously at first just because I might have gotten something erotic out of it, my fetishistic mindset also doesn’t want him to become immune to the sight and thought of me tied up. As much as I wouldn’t want to be home invaded, burgled, and rendered helpless by some unknown and potentially dangerous person, I find the thought of my boyfriend seeing me bound and gagged for the first time in that kind of situation extremely arousing because I’d get to see a more genuine reaction from him.
In spite of how much I’d like to role-play bondage scenarios with him, I’m scared of dealing with a potentially negative reaction to my fetish and enjoy fantasizing about how he would react to finding me after I’ve been subdued by somebody else. Even though that might never happen, I like imagining having to get his attention with my muffled shouting or fumbling around in the closet I was left in, so he can rush to my assistance and ask what happened after removing my gag. He would likely be sympathetic and sensitive to my distress and vulnerability, which would make him fairly accommodating with me because he’d likely assume that getting tied up must have been one of the most stressful and terrifying things that has happened to me. So, if he knew that I liked being tied up, have been tied up for fun, and possibly tied up by him, I feel as though the sight of me bound and gagged wouldn’t be as shocking to him because he’d be desensitized to the image and he wouldn’t be as sensitive to my situation because he’d know that I’m into bondage or that I have experience with being tied up at the very least. Yes, part of this fantasy has to do with how much I would like the pampering attention my boyfriend would give me after seeing me helpless and hearing my story about what the home invader did to me, but I think what I like most about this whole thing is preserving my boyfriend’s more “innocent” view of me with the slight chance that something like this would happen and I’d get to see an authentic reaction from him.
I know that this sounds fairly pathological because it involves trying to control another person’s perception of me to get a particular kind of response from him when a potentially real and dangerous situation happens, but this all relates to how context for certain bondage situations add more authenticity to bondage porn, which makes bondage porn more appealing. Although part of this real scenario would be slightly fabricated and premeditated, my boyfriend’s genuine response to the situation is something I’m interested in, kind like how reality shows are slightly scripted with amateur actors whose reactions aren’t always fully realized in pre-production. My happening to get tied up and my boyfriend’s reaction to finding me won’t seem as authentic to the dangerous situation if it is known that I’ve been tied up for fun before and could possibly be aroused by the whole situation, which is why I’d like for my fetish to be unknown. Not to mention, I also relish in the possibility that my boyfriend might get a little something out of finding me like that and getting to rescue me. But those kinds of moments might be tainted if we had already thought of and acted out those kinds of scenarios beforehand. Therefore, context and it’s connection with authenticity are fairly important in male bondage.
How Gendered Bondage Aesthetics Establish Context
With gendered and sexual connotations being assigned to dominant and submissive roles, as well as bases for arousal, male bondage has established various aesthetics. Since the kind of bondage I’m addressing here is considered “softcore,” it typically involves showcasing “normal” men being tied up in “realistic” situations such as kidnappings, home invasions, robberies, or even just having kinky time with a spouse or being a bunch of roughians with rope and the guys. Like female bondage, hardcore bondage is something I don’t fully understand, so I’m going to approach it in broad strokes to make my point about softcore bondage. Softcore male bondage contrasts from hardcore bondage porn, which features whips, chains, leather, and dungeons, by being, for lack of a better term, softer. Whereas hardcore male bondage is based in a more fantastical setting with mostly chiseled guys in leather going hard on other gorgeous men in a world where pain and pleasure are synonymous, softcore male bondage, like bondage in mainstream TV and movies, is based in fantasies about how regular handsome men find themselves tied up in real life. Therefore, softcore male bondage porn usually features somewhat average looking men in various kinds of everyday outfits getting overpowered and tied up in “everyday-type” situations.This brings the general dominance and submission in a bondage fantasy to a level that explains who the dominant and submissive are, why a man is being tied up, and how the man reacts to his unwanted confines. Moreover, I’ve even noticed a subtle difference between softcore male bondage that appears to be marketed to women and softcore male bondage that’s primarily made with gay men in mind.
FM Concepts and Men In Bondage are both seemingly straight softcore male bondage websites because women are featured on them. Even though these websites feature some partial and full-throttle nudity of men and women, sex or nudity don’t seem to be a primary focus, which is common in softcore bondage. On male bondage sites that are made by gay men and for gay men, nudity might not always be a focal point, but it is more common to see some genitalia, ejaculation, and bare rectums. Not to mention, the men on these websites are usually more model-esc looking with sculpted, shaved or waxed, and tanned bodies, while the men on the straighter websites are a little more racially varied and average looking. If the men are clothed on the gay bondage sites, they are usually either fully suited, uniformed, dressed plainly in a t-shirt, or in something revealing (shirtless, in a low-cut shirt, short shorts, etc.). Even though the men on straight bondage websites can be fully suited or in something revealing as well, they also show more variety in terms of menswear. Lastly, the ropework in gay male bondage always seems to be more showy and intricate, even if it just wraps around the torso in diamond shapes without binding anything to the torso, while the ropework in straight male bondage seems more simple and practical for restraining a man who is being overpowered for a reason. This illustrates how finding arousal in fantasies is typically feminine, while being aroused by visuals alone is masculine. Specifically, the male bondage that seems to be made with women in mind focuses more on the bondage situation with realistically attractive men, while gay male bondage primarily focuses on more model-esc men being tied up in aesthetically pleasing ways even if gay bondage can be scenario-based as well. What these comparisons amount to is the fact that the primary focus on the websites that are geared to straight women is the context for the bondage that’s taking place. The clothes, physical appearance, and way that the men are tied up all indicate something about who these men are and why they’re in such compromising situations in these more “feminine” fantasies.
Being Had and Getting Caught with Your Pants Down: How Situations Could Add to Erotic Humiliation
For some reason, people who are into “softer” male bondage tend to place a lot of importance into scenarios that explain who captives and captors are, why bondage is happening, and how the captive responds to being bound, as well as how the captor embraces the more dominant role. Unlike explicitly sexual S&M scenes, the bondage behind more realistic scenarios can vary widely, which dictates how the characters react to their situations. For example, if a man is found in his boxers with some cheap, porn-store ball gag in his mouth, while handcuffed to a bed with furry handcuffs, the explanation behind his predicament could be that he was either seduced into bondage by a femme fatale who wanted him to be found in this humiliating position, or rob him and not care about the outcome, or this man could have been subdued by his wife as a part of their regular kinky practice, but she had to leave and was detained from returning to her helpless husband. So, if the man was tricked by a femme fatale, he probably would have been discovered because of the ruckus he was making out of desperation to be found and released, in which case his need to get free would outweigh the humiliation he’d experience from being found exposed and vulnerable. However, if the man was playing with a wife or girlfriend, he might have been quietly waiting for her to return and continue their role playing, but got interrupted by unsuspecting guests that he couldn’t effectively tell to go away, which would make his humiliation take precedence over any threat of danger.
The gag plays an essential role in both of these scenarios because for the first one, the captive needs to call attention to himself in order to get free, but can’t effectively or articulately call out for help because a rubber ball is preventing his teeth and lips from closing and muffling the sound of his voice. Not to mention, there is also the irony that he appears as though he was tied up willingly for sex, considering how he’s partially nude and tied to a bed with store-bought restraints, which makes his vulnerability a little more laughable and humiliating even though he was tricked into submission and faced real danger. In the less dangerous scenario, the man has no intentions of calling attention to himself, but he’s forced into a situation where attention is going to be directed towards him and he can’t do anything to prevent it. Therefore, his gag prevents him from articulately deterring the other people, but if he shouted, it would have made the others interpret his incomprehensible shouting as urgent calls for help, which puts him in a situation where he has to indicate that everything is alright and kind of admit what him and his sexual partner were doing.
These similar, but different scenarios outline the arousing fun that is involved in softcore male bondage. The thought of a man being willing to impress a more sexually advanced woman by submitting to her, then having to squirm either to get free or prevent himself from being discovered is tantalizing because it shows how we can never fully know what letting ourselves become helpless could lead to and gives us an idea of how we might react to being in such a situation. Maybe it would be best to innocently pretend that you were home-invaded while sleeping and didn’t know why or how you got tied up or maybe you’d have to go with the flow and hopefully reach a point in life when you can look back and laugh at the situation. If you’re kinky or at least typically willing to give in to impulses whenever a sexual partner is insistent about something out of the norm, the likelihood of something like this happening to you could be high, which can serve as a warning to make you reconsider certain choices, but also something thrilling to fantasize about. I think the appeal that comes from imagining this kind of thing happening is our general fear of helplessness, vulnerability, humiliation, and, ultimately, sex.
The thought of being helpless and vulnerable is terrifying, but can be exhilarating in particular circumstances, which is why we ride roller coasters or feel satisfaction when we publicly open up by reciting original poetry at open-mic nights. I think that a big part of the appeal for being in a romantic relationship is getting to have someone you’re comfortable enough with that you can open up and show vulnerability to without risking any kind of social cost, which is similar to the appeal of dominance and submission. Humiliation is another thing that is terrifying to experience, yet can be thrilling in theory or sometimes in practice. A major part of humiliation that comes from male bondage is the fact that people, especially men, don’t like appearing as if they’ve been had, either physically or intellectually. So, being made vulnerable, especially when you have willingly put yourself in that position, makes you as a bondage subject appear as though somebody physically overpowered you or tricked you into submission, which is naturally embarrassing from being physically or intellectually taken advantage of and/or getting yourself into the mess you’re in. When the victim of a femme fatale is found naked and helpless, it is assumed that the bondage subject was not only expecting sex that he probably didn’t get, but that he had been tricked into believing that he was going to have sex if he let some vixen overpower him. Therefore, if this man had been more careful, he wouldn’t have let his judgement about being made helpless by a sexy stranger get clouded, which would have kept him out of harm’s way, and he wouldn’t have been left to be made a fool of. If this tied up subject’s situation didn’t appear sexualized, if the man were fully clothed and bound with less conventional restraints, the primary humiliation that would come from his situation would probably be from someone asserting physical dominance over him, which left him no choice but to let himself be tied up and left behind. Lastly, I believe that our ultimate fear of sex might have something to do with finding this kind of humiliating and terrifying bondage situation thrilling.
I think the huge, English-Puritanical influence has led to our deeply rooted fear of sex and this fear has led us to establish taboos that are scary for some to break and thrilling for others to transgress or subvert. Our fear of sex is apparent in things like the distaste we have of our own naked bodies, our discomfort with genitalia (whether it is similar or different from our own), our fear of non-normative relational dynamics and sexualities, our utter fascination or disgust with seeing others having sex, and how common it is to shame others for breaking any kind of sexual norm. Sex and sexuality are complex and somewhat amorphous things that exist in society, so we are socialized to flinch and cringe at anything sexual that other people do, which teaches us to be ashamed of our own bodies and the sexual things that we do. Therefore, the thought of being the tied up and gagged man with his pants down is even more terrifying, yet somewhat exciting. Obviously, this scenario would be sexually terrifying because it involves unsuspecting strangers from seeing your exposed body, which relates to the cliche high school nightmare of being naked in front of your whole class, but the added helplessness from your restraints gives these people full access to your body. So, even if the people who find you are good samaritans who would be sensitive to your situation and intend to untie you as quickly as possible, the ball is still in their court to laugh at your expense, take pictures, or even leave you there for somebody else to find because you are still completely defenseless.
Beyond that, there is still the underlying assumption that you are either a reckless kinkster who lets anybody tie him up or some poor schmo who lets a woman take advantage of him because he was that desperate to get laid. Being thought of as a reckless kinkster contributes to our fear of sex because that will involve being labelled as a sexual deviant, which is something that people ridicule and fear, especially when your fetishistic desires have led you to this kind of compromising position. However, being thought of as the poor schmo also contributes to this underlying fear of sex because this precarious situation may suggest to witnesses that you were expecting sex at some point. Even though this isn’t a terrible assumption for people to make about you (because how many guys aren’t expecting to have sex at some point?), any kind of overt demonstration that somebody wants sex is still stigmatized. Think about how much the mincing of words and being coy is involved with dating and hookup culture because, for some reason, being sexually direct and assertive is frowned upon even when both parties are interested in having sex with each other. On top of that, part of being the shameful, unfortunate guy that everybody knows is horny and willing to be kinky also involves the implication that you haven’t gotten what you wanted because the chance that your partner only wanted to subdue you and not give herself up to you, since she didn’t have to once you were rendered helpless, is highly likely. So, not only do you have poor enough judgment and decision-making skills that get you into such situations, but you are also “too sexual” for people’s liking and not even sexually satisfied. This coupled with the compromised masculinity of letting a woman take charge and having to rely on somebody else to free you, makes you worthy of embarrassing stigma and ridicule. Seeing men in these positions is sexy to male bondage fetishists because his trust and comfort with being made helpless demonstrates either his kinky side or his willingness to please somebody else, even when it might get him into compromising positions. When he’s caught in the act and ridiculed, his humiliation is appealing because it indicates a very human reaction to having something private being exposed, which pretty much anyone but sociopaths or narcissists can relate to. Plus, I think we’re inherently afraid of people who are incapable of feeling shame or embarrassment because those who can’t feel those things make having any kind of influence on them impossible since shame and embarrassment are the best ways of understanding social standards. Moreover, I believe that after a man experiences and moves on from such a humiliating and vulnerable incident, he could have possibly developed a thicker skin and stronger comfort with himself, which shows personal growth and maturity.
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