Something I've been pondering a lot over the past couple of months is why it flatters me so much when a bondage buddy expresses how much they not only like seeing me gagged, but also just wanting to have me harshly gagged in their presence. In the bondage world, I think it's common practice for us to attribute attractiveness with bondage. Like, understanding any sort of added bondage to a subject as immediately contributing to his sex appeal and handsomeness, as well as the understanding that handsome men ought to be bound and gagged, just like the vanilla world might like to see them naked. So, I'm willing to accept that I'm conventionally attractive enough to fall into this association when people say that they’d like to have me bound, gagged, and at their mercy, but there seems to be a little more at play with this. In the bondage-centered mind, we tend to respond to things like bodies being restrained, mouths with gags, and the struggling and moaning that comes with those things. We even respond to things like tape, rope, rags, bandannas, clothing, body parts, etc. when these things are taken out of the bondage context. These things are inherently attractive and appealing to us, even when we aren’t talking directly about bondage. However, there appears to be something else behind the euphoria I experience when someone expresses their desire to have me bound and gagged.
Outside from the bondage world, being gagged or any suggestion that you ought to be gagged is an utter insult because it implies that you're talking too much and/or whatever you have to say isn't valuable and might even be a nuisance. So, on a less extreme end, merely telling someone to shut up can be somewhat humiliating, while the extremity of physically restricting someone's speech against their will, is outright dehumanizing. In the bondage world, however, these associations are still present, but there are added layers. Unlike non-fetishists, we find value and appeal not only in bondage scenarios or bondage objects, but things that go a bit deeper like safe and controlled forms of humiliation, emasculation, degradation, and objectification. Therefore, even if we enjoy being tied up and gagged, it’s still in our nature as humans to feel embarrassed when someone either gags us or says that they’d like for us to be gagged, although at a lesser level than a vanilla person. This is because, even though we (like anyone) are capable of feeling shame and embarrassment, we revel in the feeling of humiliation instead of seeing it as 100% negative.
Further, we also tend to understand a desire to tie and gag someone in a similar way to how others might desire to sleep with or date another person. Just like how vanilla people may imagine having some sort of sexual and romantic relationship with those they find attractive, we imagine various kinds of bondage situations with people we find attractive. Therefore, instead of imagining what people we’re attracted to might look like naked, we like imagining how they might look while gagged. So, when someone expresses their desire to see and have me gagged, it could just mean that they’re attracted to me and generally see me in a sexual or romantic way. This makes me feel desirable, thus explaining the feeling I get when somebody tells me that they want to kidnap me and have me completely helpless. It feels good to feel desired, wanted, and attractive. End of story, right? Wrong!
Yes, everything I just said about us associating bondage with attractiveness still applies, but there are too many things at stake with bondage that are worth getting into. Getting back to my previous analogy (about us liking attractive people in bondage, just the way that vanilla people like attractive people to be naked), bondage isn’t as neatly related to sex and attraction as nudity. Actual intercourse and nudity just kind of go hand-and-hand because it involves being physically intimate and vulnerable with another human, as well as “merging” your bodies together, skin-to-skin contact, etc. However, even though bondage can, and often is, thrown into the mix with sex and nudity, it isn’t always inherently sexual. I mean, we can read into some homoerotic subtext for TV-friendly, platonic bondage scenes in mainstream media, but sexuality isn’t always exclusively the case with bondage because sometimes people just need to be tied up and gagged without it being sexual. Regardless of all the things that we can attribute to bondage (that it’s fun, safe, sexy, intimate, etc.), it still kind of is what it is to people outside of the bondage world. So, there’s double meanings to bondage in our world. It can be a reward and a punishment, attractive and unflattering, humiliating and an honor, restricting and liberating, etc. With this in mind, I think I can get to the bottom of the feeling I get when I’m told that I ought to be gagged.
Gagging Someone is an Abstract Expression of Ultimate Desire
When I first started thinking about this subject, a conclusion I came to was that in the bondage world, putting a gag on someone is just an abstract version of expressing your desire and attraction towards that person. Again, we see bondage as attractive, therefore we want to make the person even more attractive to us or put them in an arousing situation. To go a step further, there’s also a kidnapping/ownership component to gagging someone that we like because it normally isn’t cool to just stuff a rag in a cute guy’s mouth on the street. So, before getting to the point of gagging someone without having to face any immediate repercussions, you’d probably have to incapacitate him and keep him someplace private.
In order to do something like this, even in our wildest of fantasies, takes a bit of risk and effort since kidnapping is illegal and dangerous for everyone involved. Not to mention, your captive likely isn’t going to be happy about being held against his will and may do something to call attention to himself and your whole operation. If he got loose, he might physically hurt you. If he happened to die on your watch, you would be liable for murder charges. So, I feel that part of our fantasies involve doing these kinds of things to someone who is worth all of this trouble. Even if we aren’t plotting an actual abduction and this is all just an erotic fantasy, I feel that we still take these kinds of things into account because again, double meanings.
Although we see bondage and kidnapping in a particular way, we can’t really erase what kidnappings and bondage mean to everyone else. I’d go as far as suggesting that we probably wouldn’t erase mainstream understandings of bondage if we could because even if that could eliminate the stigmas related to our fetish, I think we kind of enjoy that the normative understandings of bondage exist. Part of bondage’s appeal comes from playing with power and control. So, if we have bondage sessions without the slight feelings of peril or complete helplessness, we aren’t really playing with power and control. Thus, the session would be pretty boring and meaningless. As much as we revel in things like humiliation, we also like for there to be a bit of resistance, struggling, moaning, discomfort, etc. to a safe and controlled extent. Part of the thrill comes from these kinds of things, but I digress.
In the bondage world, taking the effort to tie somebody up is an ultimate sign that you desire them. Not only do you find them, bondage, and the combination of them in bondage attractive, you find the idea of having them all to yourself appealing. The ropes around their body prevent them from getting away from or fighting with you, while the gag prevents them from calling for help, biting, spitting, or resisting your forced kisses. So when you think about it from the fantasy captive's position, this level of "caveman-esc" desire becomes tantalizing because people wouldn't do all of this for someone they’re only indifferent towards or feel lukewarm about. If they’re going to capture and restrain you, it’s because they must really want you with them and don’t want you to go anywhere. When it comes to gagging the person, beyond eliminating his resistance or sealing the deal for bondage's sake, it also kind of prevents him from being able to say anything to kill the mood, so you can preserve the feelings you have for him. Even though we're primarily talking about lust and physical attraction, I believe that there are things an attractive guy can say that might turn off even the most shallow of fiends. Maybe he might say something boring or offensive, or maybe he just might be more whiny and annoying than you anticipated, but you already went through the trouble and took the risk of getting him into this position, so a gag can prevent him from opening his mouth and turning you off.
Therefore, the flattery that comes from somebody wanting you gagged could just be that desire to have you and your body with no interruptions. For example, even when we have and want somebody’s sexual attention and attraction and we try nurturing that by flirting, it’s still possible to lose that person’s attention as a result of something we’ve said or did. But when that social barrier is broken and you don’t have the option to say or do anything to lose the other person’s interest, because you’re bound and gagged, you can essentially remain idealized in that person’s eyes. When anything you can say or do to ruin the mood is reduced to muffled grunts and fruitless struggling, not much else can make your captor less interested in you. Even though being bound and gagged could be humiliating and feel unflattering, part of its appeal during bondage sessions comes from being able to experience being vulnerable and feeling a little silly in a safe and trusting environment. An environment where you don't have to keep up appearances to seem cool or in control, yet this lack of control allows both of you to nurture and preserve one of your most ideal sides because you aren't letting words or actions get in the way, you are just responding to stimuli.
There is something alluring, yet terrifying about someone wanting you at such a disembodied level. Even though both parties in a bondage session have gotten to know one another, connected on some level, and likely established some kind of attraction to each other, something we seem to really want on the surface is just a person's body with all the personality and charm removed, or at least kept at bay. We're complex, thinking and feeling beings who need to be appreciated and validated for those things, which makes the idea of being reduced to meat by some people horrifying; however, there is a seductive appeal to the idea of being reduced to just your body in a safe and controlled environment. Regardless of how good it feels to find people who are attracted to you on an intellectual or emotional level, being desired physically seems to have the most power because nobody can physically touch intellect or emotion. As humans, I think it's safe to say that our brains are quick to get in the way of our physical actions for better or worse, so being in a position where you just have to feel and experience things without doing much seems like it could be intoxicating, especially for those who are riddled with responsibility and concerns.
Bringing an Intimidating Person Down to Your Level
Just like how drag used to be very frowned upon due to the assumption that a man looking, acting, or doing anything like a woman was degrading, because women have been considered to be lesser than men, bondage is also understood as a sort of downgrade because it shows weakness and a person's physical limitations. Of course, assumptions about drag have changed slightly, but I don't think that bondage would have the same outcome. I bring this up to get back to what I was saying about bondage having double meanings. In our understanding of bondage and our practice during bondage sessions, we find security in bondage and don't treat it as something that degrades the men we tie up, which makes the environment safe and trusting. However, this doesn't mean that we don't incorporate a little humiliation and degradation into our role-playing and fantasies. Again, as complex thinking and feeling beings, the thought of being reduced to just flesh and not being heard or understood is scary and degrading. Of course, we manage to make these things fun and thrilling by practicing safely, but we can't (and probably won't if we could) remove that element of degradation and humiliation.
Just like how it plays with power and control, bondage in and of itself kind of downgrades subs by taking away their agency. Here, I'm not really using ‘downgrade’ in a negative context, I just mean that bondage removes a person's power, control, authority, etc. I mean, you try having a commanding presence when you're restrained, gagged, and probably exposed against your will. So, when someone with a particularly commanding or intimidating presence gets bound and gagged, it makes him less intimidating. Not only can bondage physically prevent a man from doing anything intimidating, it also gives him submissive/beta status. Even though any human is capable of being physically restrained, being seen in such a helpless position indicates weakness and fallibility, which explains the humiliation that comes from being tied up. The sight of a person's fruitless struggling in ropes and incomprehensible speech with a gag on blatantly emphasizes their utter helplessness because most people wouldn't speak through a gag or tug at their restraints if they had any kind of control of the situation. Not to mention, there's also that basic understanding we all have about looking and sounding a little… silly when bound and gagged.
Therefore, in addition to having someone you're attracted to all to yourself and not letting his mouth ruin things for you, the other thing that's flattering about someone wanting to gag you is the idea that a gag would bring you down a notch. But in order for that need/urge to bring somebody down to be present, the person would have to be highly regarded in some way that makes him intimidating to others. As far as what makes any person intimidating can vary from general attractiveness to being in a position of authority, or a heightened level of intellect or expertise in a field to that person's basic popularity with others. The things that make people intimidating to others is primarily an "eye of the beholder" sort of thing that depends on what people value and respect about others; however, some people might generally appear threatening to others just from being a little sharp-tongued, which might make people think that they'd be verbally attacked by that person the minute they make any kind of misstep in front of them. Even though gagging someone can serve as some sort of humiliating revenge towards a person who is mean or abuses the power they have over others, I think that this added vulnerability for intimidating people just kind of levels the playing field between them.
Regardless of what others might find intimidating or appealing about me, it's definitely flattering to think that anyone might view me this way and want to "neutralize" me or "put me in my place." I’m just going to say it now that it’s really awkward to talk about myself as intimidating in any way, but I swear there’s a point to all this. A few months ago, I posted a personal story about a guy giving me a hand job in a parking lot. The main thing I focused on about the encounter was my confusion about why the guy paused to touch my belly and tell me that I was cute. At first, I just thought that it was just awkward flattery, but after further reflection, I came to the realization that his compliment was more for him than it was for me. I don't know much about how the world sees me, but I at least know that I've mostly been a guy with a slim-to-average build, who vanely puts a lot of effort into his clothing and outward appearance, and even though I try not to pontificate as much, I tend to do just that from time to time because of my enthusiasm regarding my niche intellectual interests (I have mentioned that I have Asperger's, right?).
Even though the sex appeal and recognition of bears has made some strides in our community, I realize that they still seem to fall short in the grander scheme of thin-centric, fatphobic rhetoric that exists within, as well as outside from our community. So, this unfortunately places me at an advantage when I hook up with bears, with them having a slight disadvantage because I happen to be more conventional looking than them regardless of how attractive I find them. With that being said, without even realizing it, the cards were kind of stacked in my favor when I hung out with that guy before stopping at that secluded parking lot. That happened to be the case until he undid my pants and had my bits in his hand. Even though he was basically “serving” me, he held all of the control because I was the one who was exposed and vulnerable in that given moment. Therefore, when I say that him grazing my belly and telling me I was cute was more about him than me, I mean that it was a subtle way of establishing his dominance with me once all bets were off and we were on a more even and intimate playing field: he put himself out there by gaining the courage to meet up with me and potentially face my rejection if I was shallow and didn’t like what I saw, and I put myself out there by letting him see and handle my delicates in a semi-public space.
Not to mention, the belly is a fairly sensitive and humiliating part of the body to emphasize, especially for somebody who has one without being a full-fledged bear. I say this because a lot of bear rhetoric primarily emphasizes the inflated belly with an attitude indicating “if I can’t hide it, I might as well flaunt and lead with it.” Not to mention, most bears I know usually get touched on the belly by strangers in gay settings, whether they welcome it or not, which makes how violating the action is more of a case-by-case thing depending on how each self-proclaimed bear feels about the action. Plus, I think they are more likely to expect that kind of treatment regardless of how they feel about it, but probably develop a tolerance for it. However, as somebody with a more average build and a small spare tire that I can never seem to get rid of, having that “pouch” touched by a stranger feels very violating and embarrassing because that’s a part of my body that I deliberately try to hide. So, when somebody touches it, it’s basically telling me “I know that you’re embarrassed by this and are trying to hide it, but I still see it.” Granted, that might not be the person’s explicit intention when they touch me there, but it does nonetheless seem to be a definite power move. (On the other hand, since posting this story, I've developed a bit of a masochistic infatuation with being touched there, so take note if you ever get to tie me up.)
What this all amounts to is the fact that I seemed to have an upper hand with this particular guy until things escalated between us. There is no bondage in this particular story, but what this guy did with me isn’t unlike what doms do to their subs as they tie and gag them. In general, the playing field starts off pretty leveled at first, as just two friends/new acquaintances hanging out and keeping a respectable personal distance from each other. Then once one of the guys is tied up, his body generally becomes fair game for the other guy to touch, undress, fondle, etc. depending on the parameters that have been set between them. However, even though the body can be completely restrained and helpless without a gag, which means that a sub can have his body touched before being gagged, it appears that doms are more likely to violate this social barrier with their subs after violating the other social barrier of physically silencing their company. This may be because gagging someone turns the sub into more of an object. Even if we don’t have to worry about our subs calling for help, insulting, biting, or spitting at us during bondage sessions, gags appear to symbolically take our sub’s agency away and make him belong to us, which makes touching him feel more appropriate. So, if you’re the dom and the sub is somebody you find intimidating for one reason or another, the desire to gag him might come from your desire to eliminate what you find intimidating about him. Granted, tying and gagging someone isn’t going to make the person any less of an expert, authority figure, or physically big and strong, but in addition to physically restraining him, you’ll also get to witness his embarrassment as he realizes how defenseless he is against you and that his words are just muffled grumbling.
Conclusion
I think that answers my question plus some. Since gagging somebody has such a degrading meaning outside of the bondage world, I found it difficult to understand why it made me feel so good to be told that I'm wanted with a gag that provides absolutely no way of managing a scream or comprehensible words. Hell, I even got a semi just writing that. It feels good to feel as if people want you sexually or romantically, but as someone who often speaks his mind and spreads his intellect everywhere like a territorial cat spraying his… cheese, this desire to have me gagged seems to be a response to that. On one level, it could just be that I'm boring and pompous in need of some quiet time, but on another level, it can be a way of symbolically knocking me off from my high horse. It's like "how dare I be so confident and vocal about things related to male bondage. Let's see how confident and vocal you are when several layers of duct tape are tightly secured over your mouth!" Even though this doesn't reflect a way that I'd actually like to be treated or thought of, the idea that somebody thinks that I need to be silenced kind of tells me that what I say rattles cages and has some kind of impact. Or when people actually like the things I have to say, but would like this sense of authority and expertise I’ve cultivated to be challenged with actual bondage to watch me squirm a bit.
In a world and a time where people are believing any kind of nonsensical bullshit related to conspiracy theories, politics, and COVID-19, almost anybody and anything people say can have an impact and drown out things people say that actually matter. This is of course bad because we should listen to people who know what they're talking about and have your best interests at heart, but I also understand where the appeal for these nut jobs and ideas is coming from because the truth and reality can be painful and frightening at its worst and kind of dull and dreary at it's best. Now, I’m not saying that we should accept or thoughtlessly subscribe to utter nonsense, but I understand the desire to escape into fantasies because the world is kind of shit at the moment. So, even though I love what I do and my own critical mind, it’s also nice to imagine a setting where that kind of thing gets me into trouble or someone who knows me tells me that I need a break, then stuffs a rag in my mouth to ensure that I take a minute to just sit back and experience the things around me.
Thank you for reading my rambling,
thoughtful_fetishist
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