An obvious part of bondage is getting to play with power and control. In any kind of bondage context, the topics of domination, submission, humiliation, vulnerability, and trust usually come up because getting to tie someone up for fun involves somebody voluntarily giving up control. The general thrill of this for the submissive is to be able to trust someone to the extent that s/he can literally let that person render them helpless. Once the sub is helpless, they are free from all the daily obligations and responsibilities that haunt them outside of the bondage world because it is up to the dominant person to call the shots. On the other hand, the thrill that dominants’ experience comes from being rewarded that type of control and responsibility, as well as the thought that somebody trusts her/him to basically have their lives in her/his hands. Furthermore, I believe that a more in-depth appeal comes from being able to see someone willing to be in a humiliating and vulnerable position from the dominant side, and getting to still be desired while you’re in a vulnerable and an unflattering position from the submissive side. In a world where we all want to establish lasting impressions by showing others how much we can accomplish to prove that we’re worthy of jobs, friendships, and relationships, it is nice knowing that somebody could still like us after seeing us in somewhat pitiful states or what monsters we can be when we let our primal urges to control take charge.
Gender: Man/Woman, Masculine/Feminine, Gay/Straight
In this extremely gendered, heteronormative world, dominant roles are usually assigned to men and submissive roles are usually assigned to women. Aside from heterosexual BDSM porn typically having a co-ed dynamic with men and women acting on each other, the man is usually the dominant and the woman is usually submissive. In fact, whenever the woman assumes the dominant role in heterosexual BDSM, her dominant role is still feminized with the ‘dominatrix’ title because traditionally dominant and authoritative roles don’t have gender-non-specific origins. I specifically refer to “my” kind of bondage as ‘male bondage’ because whether it is a man or a woman playing the dominant role, a male is always the bondage subject in the porn I’m discussing, which contrasts from BDSM that centers around traditionally masculine domination of the feminine.
I think the root ideology that separates male bondage from what could be ‘female bondage’ is the assumption that beyond women typically being expected to assume a submissive position, they are also expected to be more sexually fluid. Since I don’t know a lot about ‘female bondage,’ I’m going to address this in very broad strokes, but it seems to reinforce traditional power dynamics, while male bondage subverts those dynamics. Part of male bondage’s subversion of traditional power dynamics is the fact that a man is usually in a submissive role and, in most cases, is being dominated by another man or a woman. Even though women are expected to be ‘ladies’, which carries the connotation that they can’t be sexually promiscuous, while men are typically lauded over their sexual conquests, there seems to be an underlying expectation for women to be open and willing to adapt to any and all sexual needs of their male counterparts. This means that men can be as kinky, promiscuous, or vanilla as they want, but their women have to put up with whatever their men bring to the bedroom. Therefore, the woman has to tolerate her man’s promiscuity, meet his strange and demanding sexual needs, and ignore her own sexual needs. Thus, if a man has a fetish that he’d like to play out, he is more likely to be comfortable with expressing his fetishistic desires and his woman is more likely to comply with and accommodate his needs regardless of how vanilla she might be. But if a woman with a fetish is in a relationship with a vanilla man, she would be less likely to express her unorthodox desires and her man is less likely to comply with and accommodate her needs, especially if they’d involve his submission in any way.
When a man gets tied up, he is not only assuming a submissive role, but a feminine one. When he is overpowered, it is demonstrated that he is capable of being overpowered and controlled by someone else, which means that another more dominant force exists. When he calls for help, it’s a sign that he’s admitting that he’s completely helpless and requires the assistance of another person. When he is gagged, his last resource to render any sort of control is lost because he can’t call out for help, talk a big game to deny his helplessness, talk his captors into letting him go, or even bite and chew his way out of bondage. Putting a gag on a man is a shear sign that he is in a traditionally feminized position not only because he is being dominated and has no control over what goes in or over his mouth, but also in a way that indicates an underlying assumption that he’ll call for help or talk too much, even if he isn’t already doing those things. Whenever a captor makes this kind of assumption about his captive, it feminizes him because things like talking too much or screaming for help are typically considered feminine acts, even if they could save his life when the male captive is actually in danger. Furthermore, the humiliation and frustration that a gag inflicts onto a tied up man seems to be an effective way of culturally silencing him instead of just literally silencing him.
Since most men have never had to encounter any kind of silencing that women and queer men have to experience, his being gagged might be the first time he has ever experienced silencing by a more powerful force, which seems appealing to male bondage enthusiasts. Even if the attraction to men involves being attracted to masculinity, privilege, and power, being able to see an otherwise powerful figure in a vulnerable or feminized position and what he does in that position is appealing because it seems to reinforce the reality that your man isn’t capable of controlling everything. I believe that it’s attractive to see a man’s limits, as well as his capability to handle himself in compromising positions. Regardless of how egotistical men might seem and how hard they try to appear as if they could control everything, I think it’s refreshing to see men admit to themselves that they aren’t gods who are always in control when they are made submissive. Further, a man’s expressed trust and comfort with his own vulnerability also shows a strength that is more congruent with femininity than masculinity because strengths that accompany typical masculinity (physical strength, suppressed emotions, ultimate dominance and control) are often limiting, shallow, and unrealistic.
Since men are so narrowly expected to always be in charge and heteronormative, the thought of a man being overpowered and anything that isn’t heterosexual is considered unfathomable. I think part of that taboo and the idea of a man being forced to break that mold is what male bondage fetishists find most appealing. Because masculinity and male heterosexuality are so flimsy and easy to compromise to the point that a man can lose all masculine credibility if he so much as shows affection towards another man or reveals any kind of physical or emotional weakness, male bondage seems to relish in the dissonance between traditional masculinity and what comes after a manly man has been subdued and broken. After all, even though gay men are typically attracted to masculinity, they are also attracted to male submission to some extent because in gay sex, somebody has to be the bottom. Moreover, gay men also tend to idealize straight men and establish it as a conquest when they manage to have sex with men who identify as straight, or can at least get them to question their heterosexuality to some extent. Beyond simply getting straight men to compromise their rigid sexuality, it seems as though queer men who have been oppressed by the rigidity of manhood and masculinity are attempting to challenge male heterosexuality by getting men who subscribe to those oppressive ideals to comply with understandings about masculinity that aren’t as oppressive or rigid. Therefore, I think that there is some understanding that straight men who aren’t fetishists might find breaking this mold appealing in some deep and dark way if they just gave in to their desires. Thus, having a straight man’s control stripped from him might grant him the access of being more sexually and socially flexible without completely losing his masculinity since he can’t help what’s happening to him when he’s tied up. In the case of being submissive to women, straight men can justify being in that role because submitting to a kinky woman could still add to their collection of sexual conquests. In cases where straight men are dominated by other men, they can fall back on the excuse that they were overpowered or outsmarted by an even more dominant force and were rendered completely helpless to the men who dominated and took sexual advantage of them. Of course, the described acts of sexual domination here is in the context of consensual role-playing and not a condolence of actual rape.
Real and Imagined Dominant and Submissive Roles
An important thing to note about any sort of bondage or anything in BDSM culture is that all of it is based on fantasy. Regardless of how monstrous mainstream media may depict fetishists, most of us have clear understandings of the contrast between reality and fantasy, and right and wrong. Although we might act out certain fantasies and play with normative ideas of right and wrong, we only “kidnap” and dominate other consenting adults and wouldn’t dream of inflicting any sort of harm or pain onto anyone who hasn’t asked for it. We might fantasize about subduing an attractive straight guy that we lust, or imagine revenge plots where we overpower and humiliate men who have hurt or humiliated us in the past, but male bondage fetishists wouldn’t actually do these things. Like actors in a lot of gay porn, male bondage porn usually features straight models on their websites who are curious/generally interested in bondage and/or just want a paycheck. Male bondage porn also features fantasy scenarios where straight men have been overpowered and forced into the queer and lustful world of male bondage, which isn’t too different from porn that involves tricking and seducing straight men into having gay sex, but I digress. The purpose of this subsection is to address the difference between the dominants and submissives that exist in fantasy and the people who play these roles in real life. In fantasy, dominant men are the captors who are complete type-A personalities, they love nothing more than controlling and exploiting their pathetic subs without any interest or consideration of their limits, and what gets them off is their sub’s complete and utter displeasure about what’s happening to them. On the other hand, guys in the submissive role seem to call the shots a lot of the times in real bondage sessions, which shows how real life doms actually play a more caring and accommodating role.
The typical assumption about getting tied up is that nobody wants to be tied up. Since being controlled and vulnerable is something that no one apparently wants to experience, the person doing the tying is considered to be power hungry for control over someone else’s body, while the person being tied is expected to be overpowered, therefore obligated to endure the submissive position. Considering how men are expected to be assertive and in control, the general assumption would be that they are even less likely to accept the submissive role than a woman. In fact, the expectation that men don’t like being submissive is part of what makes male bondage porn enticing because it not only challenges traditional power dynamics, but also makes people who have always been conditioned to like power and take charge have the rug swept from under them. Therefore, even though submissives in male bondage are in a helpless position, part of what makes men attractive in these positions is their defiance and struggle to accept the submissive role. Thus, things like a man talking through his gag and putting up a fight in his binds are considered appealing to male bondage fetishists. Part of this appeal comes from seeing a helpless guy refuse to accept his helplessness. Even though he has no way of getting free, he continues to fight with his binds and refuses to keep quiet even after his captor muzzled him, which shows the sub’s dedication to refusing to give in to the dominant. Even though fighting to get free or speak might add to a sub’s humiliation from being vulnerable because it emphasizes how stuck he really is when his struggling doesn’t lead to his freedom, he still has that hope and masculine defiance, which is incredibly attractive. Some fantasies may involve going far enough to see what makes him break by stripping a straight, unwilling sub completely naked, forcing him to cum, and maybe even penetrating him, but that isn’t always the case.
The general consensus for all forms of male bondage seems to be that we all like submissive men who put up some kind of a fight. Similar to how bullies like picking on kids who let themselves be bullied because they continue to give bullies what they want by showing that they can be antagonized, male bondage fetishists seem to like seeing a sub’s responsiveness to a dom’s antagonizing. The sub’s response can be whining about what he has to endure, pleading to be released, or angry threatening of what he will do when he gets out, but the key is that the sub has some reaction to what’s happening to him. On the other hand, submissives who aren’t very responsive aren’t that interesting. Granted in some cases, an unresponsive submissive might just be playing a guy who’s tough to crack, which makes it the dominant’s job to get him to respond. In other cases, the less responsive sub might just not be that good of an actor that realizes how his audience wants him to respond. However, similar to how bullies tend to lose interest in picking on kids who don’t show that they’re bothered by them, I tend to lose interest in subs who don’t seem bothered by what is happening to them in male bondage porn. This is not to imply that male bondage enthusiasts or dominants are bullies who enjoy actually terrorizing our subs, but I think that people are just stimulated by other people’s reactions to things like hearing a partner’s moans and seeing their face during sex. If somebody is dead silent during sex with an expressionless face, the other person might assume that something is wrong, which might kill the mood. Therefore, even if the sex isn’t that good, we perform to convince our partners that it’s good and maybe even try convincing ourselves, which relates to how dominant and submissive roles are also fairly performative.
So, fantasies aside, most bondage usually revolves around the one in the submissive position. On the surface, it appears to be the opposite because the submissive is well… submissive, but that doesn’t quite get to the bottom of it because as anyone who actually practices bondage can see, submissives often run the show. Unlike subs that exist in fantasy, real subs actually want to be tied up. Letting the sub take charge is mainly for safety reasons because we don’t want to actually hurt anyone or cause any real displeasure, but the focus is usually revolved around the submissive and what they want, while doms are just kind of there to help subs with their bondage experience. Specifically, subs may prefer being tied a particular way while wearing a particular thing, and doms typically comply because they still get to tie somebody up and generally run the show once the sub is bound and gagged. Even though doms may cater to whatever their subs want, the reward seems to come from how aroused the sub looks in his responses to what is happening to him. In fact, bondage sessions seem to be fairly awkward in the beginning, but once the sub is restrained, tensions appear to be eased, and doms become more comfortable with touching their subs as part of their temporary property. When the sub is gagged, there is typically some chuckling between the two to ease the tension from the sub being less able to tangibly call the shots, as well as ease the ironic awkwardness of one of the few situations where it is acceptable to physically silence somebody you’re hanging out with. Even though doms and subs typically know that a gag is coming during a bondage session, there is still awkwardness whenever it comes to actually doing it. This might be because, as members of civilized society, we are conditioned to even be polite to people who aren’t polite to us, so getting around to gagging someone you’re kind of hooking up with and still getting to know is a bit strange, but nonetheless satisfying.
A big part of the pleasure I have gotten out of dominating is seeing how turned on my sub gets from my dominance. Whenever I would be a sub, a lot of my pleasure would come from the attention that my dom would give me, which led me to realize that while doms have the literal power of having physical control over someone, subs have the power of being desired. As the more feminized position, subs are usually the ones who have to be more physically attractive, where doms seem to have a little more flexibility in that department. I can at least speak from my own experience as a switch that I can let myself be tied up by pretty much anyone, but I have to find something about a guy’s appearance and character attractive to motivate me to tie him up. This often involves not only how physically handsome a guy is, but the way he dresses, certain things about his personality that would make me expect feistiness or a willingness to play along, and even particular facial features that I assume would compliment wearing a gag. Aside from the subs’ own attractiveness, part of male bondage’s fantasy involves being able to act on your sexual urges toward someone you are attracted to without all the trouble of having to ease your way to accessing someone’s body. So if you’re the submissive in a kidnap fantasy, it means that your kidnapper was so infatuated with you, that he just had to have you to himself without your objections or fighting getting in the way, which makes being a sub flattering to an extent. In most bondage porn, the emphasis primarily seems to be on the sub and not so much the dom, which usually includes an older, heavier set webmaster of a porn site tying up a more conventionally attractive model. In some cases, models might tie up each other. In cases of more hardcore BDSM, the dom models might actually get some of the spotlight by showing a genuine desire to restrain and torture their subs, making their roles seem more appealing than doms who simply just tie up their subs. However, mere submissiveness in a man seems to have greater value in the male bondage community although dominants are obviously needed to subdue their men.
In a sense, the stereotype of the uptight librarian with a kinky side wanting to dominate the jock and the jock wanting to give up his power for the unlikely girl has some salience. From my experience, a lot of doms are people who are otherwise soft-spoken, easy-going guys who get to live out their fantasies of having power in bondage sessions. They love the idea of having control, but aren’t really given that access until another man submits to them. Even though they are fairly accommodating and interested in pleasing their subs, bondage sessions allow doms to let their darker sides out onto their subs and feel a sense of control that a lot of people don’t get access to. The allure of being a sub is getting to please somebody else, feeling appreciated and adored, and losing some real world obligations and responsibilities for at least a moment. Moreover, real life subs are usually the type of people who take charge in regular situations and often need breaks from that sort of control. Their outgoing personalities are usually what shines through when they are tied up, giving their doms some leverage to play with. Therefore, juggling the dualities between fantasy and reality, and being in control and being controlled, is all part of male bondage’s performative nature that balances people’s real experiences with things that they want to endure. Unlike the assumption that every man wants control and no man wants to be controlled, the reality is that control often carries the burden of responsibility, which is something that a lot of people want and don’t have or have and don’t want. Even though this isn’t always the case, male bondage allows men who don’t have a lot of control or power feel respected and empowered when they dominate and men who probably have too much responsibility feel relieved and taken care of by another person when they submit.
To be continued…
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