Introduction
A big part of why gays tend to love super feminine, sexualized female characters in media has to do with their perceived desirability since most of us crave attention that tells us that we're desirable. To be desired means to have value. To have value means to be worth something. So, having high sexual desirability means that you have a lot of sexual worth that could be based on attractiveness, sexual ability, etc.
As much as I pick on randos with empty profiles who approach people with "I want you to tie me up and do whatever you want to me" or "what would you do to me if you had me tied up and gagged?," I sort of get it. Even though these people are going about it the wrong way, they just want to feel desired. Their erotic fantasies involve somebody wanting them and having plans for them.
This actually isn't different from things that I fantasize about. However, being on the receiving end of this is annoying because the other person seems to be expecting a personalized fantasy from you when you don't even know them. It essentially gives an unsuspecting stranger emotional and intellectual labor that would likely have diminishing returns, especially if they're not into what the other is asking for. It pressures a person to express desire for someone they don't know or sometimes haven't even looked at. Even though desire is often based on rather shallow things, being pressured into desiring someone is almost like being pressured into loving someone because you either just do or you don't. You can't desire or love something or someone just because you're being told to.
Anyways, I can't articulate how satisfying it is for a guy to express his desire for me. In spite of how much I lean dominant, when a guy shows an interest in tying me up and gagging me based on pictures he's seen of me or things I said I was into will always get my blood pumping in ways that expressions of people wanting to get tied up by me never will. When a guy remarks on how good he thinks I look when I'm tied up, my mind goes to fantasies about someone not only kidnapping me and keeping me tied up so I don't run away, but being so into me that he can't imagine letting me free. Beyond simply being turned on by the thought that I'm desirable, part of me is obsessed with the idea that people desire my helplessness enough that they want to sustain it.
I also like considering what about me makes guys want to tie me up. When it comes to people's desire for me to tie them up, it can range anywhere from my physical appearance, to my dom skills, to just the fact that SO MANY people want to submit and feel desirable, but it feels like a different beast when someone wants to dominate me. Whatever is behind this particular desire can also range from how attractive somebody thinks I am, to a general interest in tying up other men; however, there's a clear difference between someone wanting you helpless and someone wanting you to essentially take responsibility for them. It's like the difference between a person wanting to feed you vs a person wanting you to feed them. For the former, it shows a person's interest in caring for you and putting in some kind of work for your satisfaction. For the latter, it seems a little more like work, as if a person desires you enough to want to spend time with you, and even be made helpless by you, but you are expected to put in the effort for their satisfaction.
When someone desires your physical helplessness, it's objectifying in a sexy way because it means that they want access to you and your body without you being able to physically prevent it or even get a word in about it. They might even desire your objections to what's happening to you because that would emphasize what little control you have in the situation compared to how much power they have. When I consider this level of desirability, I love thinking about why somebody seems to want that with me.
Sexual Desirability in Casual Spaces
However, desirability in friendly kink spaces can get sort of... political. Like, you might connect with other kinksters on a friendly level, but not necessarily desire them sexually. They might be great people you'd hang out with any day of the week, get a beer with them, lean on them a little for help, or let them lean on you if they need your help, but maybe sexual chemistry just isn't there for you. If the feeling is mutual, it's totally fine. But when the feeling isn't mutual, expressing that without making that friend feel rejected or hearing that from a friend you feel sexual chemistry with can be tricky.
This is complicated because as kinksters, we bond with one another through a very sexual and intimate context. Compared to forming friendships around things like a love for comic books or horror movies, connecting with people over something kinky often comes with an expectation to do the kinky thing with each other, which is basically our version of having sex, depending on how un-vanilla you both are. However, like with any hobby or niche interest, sharing that quality with a person doesn't insure sexual or romantic compatibility because those things are complex and are established through a variety of subjective things that nobody can control.
Sometimes people approach members of the kink community only as potential sexual or romantic partners, but not friends. So, they might reject opportunities to connect with people that they don't find sexually or romantically desirable because they're not in the market for casual friendships with other kinksters. This approach to the community seems based in cruising/hookup culture because kink is obviously sexual. I feel like social media has made it easier to connect with people in a personal way and make friends with people who share the same interests as you. So, even though kink is sexual, it seems to have evolved into yet another niche, Comic-Con-like interest and hobby that people have, which creates a basis for people to engage with each other and bond over.
However, even though I'm sure that casual kinky friendships existed well before the internet, it feels like it must've been a lot more difficult to find and befriend other gay kinksters, so connections were probably a little more sparse. Of course, this is likely a very 21st century, millennial take because I'm sure that people didn't find this as cumbersome at the time. But I don't think that anybody who navigated kinky connections before the internet would say that it was easier back then compared to now. Pre-internet, people didn't have apps on little pocket computers, so they had to use ads on print publications, call hotlines, or, you know, go out to bars and talk to strangers. Plus, it was much less acceptable to be kinky or gay, so a lot of people had to be lowkey and establish friend groups that weren't gay or kinky because there wasn't that luxury of only having friends you really connect with over some niche thing, from anywhere in the world, that live in your smartphone. So, I feel like if you were going to do all that work to meet with another kinkster, it better lead to some sexy play time.
All of this obviously leads to a disconnect among kinksters. It's almost like kink on social media gives us too many options for socializing with kinksters, which almost gives us choice paralysis and nobody really knows what their own or other people's intentions for contacting each other are. For example, someone can be really enthusiastic about connecting with another kinkster who has similar fetishes on a friendship level, but that enthusiasm can be interpreted as sexual interest, which might be wrongfully reciprocated if the other person is into them, or if the other person isn't, it can lead to overall rejection based on the assumption of sexual interest.
After all, there are straight men who like bondage play with other men, which connects them with us based on that particular interest, but eliminates any possibility for sexual or romantic connections with men in the community. On the other hand, there could be people who only want to connect with kinskters that they find physically, sexually, or romantically attractive because they only understand kink through a sexual lense, which can eliminate potential for more casual connections with people they don't find attractive. People might be scared of showing any interest in other kinksters that aren't attractive to them out of fear that showing any interest in them might be perceived as a sexual interest.
This disconnect could inevitably lead to feelings of alienation. If desire indicates sexual value, a lack of desire indicates sexual worthlessness. This is not to say that a person finds you particularly worthless if they don't desire you, but if their labido is taking the wheel and people in the kink community are only seen as sexual conquests or some other thing, there isn't much to offer if you're in the "some other thing" category. People are probably more cordial and polite in less sex-driven environments and offline. They might give people more of a chance to connect when there aren't expectations to engage in sexual activities. But when you add horniness, infatuation, predatory behavior, and a digital screen to the mix, people can be defensive and set boundaries that keep other members of the kink community at a distance.
Not to mention, there are people who grew up during the internet age, which is fortunately an era that's more accommodating for interactions among introverts. We get to reach a lot of people, from anywhere, at any time, without having to leave our homes and do all the things that are required for in-person interactions. However, this accommodation seems to have created a comfort zone for people who haven't been socialized outside of the internet or even kink. Since a percentage of the community is only using the community for sexual exploits, this comfort zone could become a burden to those who solely rely on online interactions with other kinksters because it means that the majority of your friends are essentially people who'd have sex with you, and, frankly, people in the community who aren't interested in being friends with you have made that choice based on the fact that they wouldn't have sex with you. So, not only do you not have as many friends because you aren't particularly extroverted or socialized for the in-person world, it's also made abundantly clear when people have no sexual interest in you.
Sexual rejection is just a normal part of adulthood, especially when your adulthood is very sexually charged, and people have every right to reject people they aren't sexually interested in. However, in most other settings, people connect over things that aren't sexual at all. Like, straight people are friends with other straight people of the same sex. Sometimes there can be some sexual interest among people you're platonic with, but it's possible for that to never be addressed because your connection isn't based on something sexual. So, you'd never have to learn that they don't find you desirable and feel rejected. This is obviously very different in gay kink settings because people might either generously pretend to be interested in you if there is somewhat of a friendship there and they don't want you to feel left out or be more upfront about not wanting anything sexual with you.
I've been on any conceivable side of these awkward encounters. There have been fellow kinksters that I've developed crushes on based on our kinky connection, but that feeling wasn't mutual. There have been kinksters that have been sexually or romantically interested in me when that feeling wasn't mutual. I've had people call me their friend when every conversation we've had has led to some roleplay chat that I didn't consent to or didn't go without some demand for specialized content of me. I've tried platonically connecting with kinksters either from having mutual friends or shared interests, but the other party didn't seem interested in that. I know people in the community that I like being friends with, but don't have as much of an interest in playing with, as I'm sure there are others who feel the same way about me. I've gotten resentful when I've felt sexually or socially rejected, and others have become resentful towards me for my rejection of them. I've gotten jealous when people I like and feel connected with seem more interested in mutual friends than me. I likely spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to understand what people like or don't like about me, which is what led to me writing this post.
Final Thoughts
When I decided to write this post, I was only thinking about what I say in the first few paragraphs--what's fun and appealing about feeling desirable. But when I started writing, I couldn't help but think about people who don't feel desirable or my frame of mind when I've been out of commission, felt unattractive, ignored, forgotten, disliked, etc. I'm definitely not immune to these feelings and I'm sure that I've contributed to making others feel that way in some shape or form. It's tough to engage in a community where your attraction or lack of attraction to others is worn on your sleeve since sex is at the forefront of what connects us. It's very hot or cold without a lot of middle ground because everyone is chasing some kind of sensation and avoiding stimuli that gets in the way of that sensation.
Forming cliques or tribes is a natural human thing to do, but it feels a lot more personal in environments where people are open about what they're into and who they prefer to engage with. It's vulnerable to open yourself up to others and seek connection, so it hurts more to be told that you're essentially not good enough. When sex was the main premise for all of this, rejection was just part of the game, like finding a dance partner at prom. Some people sink and some people swim, which is just part of growing up and coming of age. But now that kink dynamics seem to be getting more casual, sexual rejection feels more like social rejection.
I feel like this shift towards making kink another hobby and social interest is ultimately a good thing. On one level, it probably softens the stigma of kink. It could water it down, like how RuPaul's Drag Race watered down drag, allowing straight celebrities to appropriate lipsyncing and adding it to the bottomless pit of capitalist consumerism. I don't know how sanitized kink can be while still being kink. Like, if sex and seediness gets washed out of kink, it might become a hollow shell of itself with respectability politics instead of freedom for sexual expression. Nevertheless, kink might be more approachable in the future, which might make it easier to explore and understand, make coming to terms with fetishes less complicated, and allow newbies to find comfort, community, and safety with kink. This evolution has also probably helped with ace recognition in kink because anyone is allowed to be sexual and sexual doesn't have to involve penetration or any old understandings of sex.
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